literature

My truthful secret...

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Runokayno's avatar
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Literature Text

my world.. is changing so slowly.. i can see every little bit. my mother doesnt understand i dont want to change. i dont wanna go to college, i wont wanna continue high school.. i dont wannna anymore... she yelled at me for sleeping! saying i should do my homework! i cant do it anymore!!! I CANT DO IT ANYMORE!!! NO ONE UDNERSTANDS!!!!!!!

..........i dont wanna tell her why i sleep so much. i cant just say, "Im tired.." anymore,.. shes not buying it, theres more to the story.. to the sentance, and i understand that i should probably tell someone, someone thats with me instead of webcam or emails.. it should be so simple to get help.. others online understand my pain... but mother doesnt.. not my friends.. not father or step father.. not little brother and older brother... ... no one i talk to understands who i am..

i used to cut my rist in sight of knowing im still alive... though hoping i could hit a vein and possibly die. but i couldnt... i didnt.. evenuatly my friends found out when we went swimming during the summer... i forgot my wrist band that hides my wounds.. and they saw my hand glowing red... i couldnt hide that anymore so they started scolding me.

i couldnt tell them i was being bullied.. that i was picked on, shuved in lockers and yelled at by my grandparents and beet with a leather belt on my bare ass... i couldnt bare the courge to tell them everything... the loud screams and pain in my body.. the sound of saying i was the devils child.. the sound of screaming and crying... it was so painful.. i couldnt tell them that... i jsut.. didnt want them to no how dirty i was....

evanuatly they went to my mother... and when i came up stares they were all sitting at a table and crying... what was so hurtful... then when i saw the bloody tishu i realized.. mother went in my room and went under my bed looking to see how clean my room was.... my garbage bag was full of trashed homework and i couldt shuve anything it anymore...i didnt no where else to put it..

step father yeleld his brain out of his nose and little brother was to confused to understand.. older brother gave me the look of "your disgusting.." and the look on my mothers face.. made me cry.. "do you hate us that much...?" ... that look.. i dont hate you!! I DONT HATE YOU!!!!!!

......i cryed and cryed.. falling to my knees i new that i was horrible.. that i couldnt do anything anymore they new my pain... well they didnt understand it....

they strapped me to a chair and said i should tell them the truth.. i screamed at them.. "GO TO HELL!!" i screamed and screamed.. "I HATE IT!! YEA!! THATS RIGHT!! I DO!! I HATE YOU ALL!!! MOTHER!! LET ME GO!! NOW!! LET ME GO!!!!!!!".. but all that shouting did was make mom crying even more... it only made her hit me... right across the face... yea... i deserved it.. im so filthy... dammit.. im such a bitch...

.......i dont deserve my friends.. one of my closest friends came over and kneeled infront of me.. "tell everyone the truth..." ... NO! YOU... YOU CAN GO TO HELL!!!..... my look.. my face.. my struggling told everyone i hate them! but.... but that wasnt true! i wanted them to no! i wanted them to find out! I ... I WANTED TO BE NOTICED!!!! i screamed and screamed and the tears fell out of my eyes.... my voice finally cracked when blood coughed threw my mouth..... yes... finally... finally i can... close my eyes...


......waking up in my bedroom. it was 7:18pm.. wasnt it 10:09am when i went up stares?.. i  got up.. my floor and bed was made, dresser, computer, TV.. everything and everywhere was clean... my closet was neatly stuffed with clothes hung on hangers.. and drawing papers in a folder on my desk beside my computer.. a coke bottle half full sitting beside my lamp.. and my manga boooks stacked tightly together in a shelf... the butterfly stickers and decorations.. alarm clock.. everything was neat and tidy...

i got up.. slipping my fuzzy black  slippers on my cold white feet.. i wobbled out of my bedroom.. there sat a doctor, and my family and friends... there faces lit with shock as i wobbled like a penquin out of my room... my bestest friend stood up and jolted over to me.. holding me so tight to his chest i couldnt really breathe... "l-let go--!!!" i stuggled to leave.... when he let go he was crying... i stared at the tears as everyone looked at me... "i was so worried!" he shouting holding me again.. the doctor nodded and left peacefully..

that night i looked threw my room at 10:22pm.. looking for my razor blade! whered it go! i cant find it anywhere!! i messed the books and clothes up.. "wherei n hell is it!!" i mumbled to myself.. mom opened the door with a disappointed look on her face. i glanced over... "looking for something?" she asked... DUH! i am! and i bet you took it!! she held her hand up.. there it was.. my razor blade.. filled with dry blood... "you cant have it.." she gripped it tight.. i grunted... "i-i didnt want it!!" i turned my back to her.. i gripped my fist... how will i no if im alive.. how will i no if i aint in hell.... "good because its disappearing forever.." she turned her back at me and shut the door.. falling to my knees i screamed and cryed... "I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!"....

its been 3 years since i was an idiot.. now im jsut insane... but i still sleep alot.. and i still wont tell them about my dark secrets.. i dont cut myself anymore.. but i do hurt my self every oncei n a while to no im alive.. that i wont tell.. punching my self.. hurting my head on doors and walls... banging my self into a locker.. and the lock itself most times.. then i would get a scrape or a hole in my arm.. i would jsut say it was an accident and smile... yea.. im a better lier now.. i dont tthink they have a clue.. that im such a depressing person.. i tell everyone the same thing.. "sorry.." and would just smile and shrug my shoudlers..


because.. i no if they new hte REAL truth.. they wouldnt want me to be alive for real... my truth .. isnt for the normal humen being.. i cant be with people.. its all an act... and its all i have to no i can feel something... my tears feel inoccent when they are for something i love... like my ferrets and prized posetions... other then that.. the meer humen life is worthless and i dont care for the humen race.. to bad they cant die.. ... ugh.. what a tiering day.. i have to sleep... i got punched in the gut again today.. and shuved into a locker... i was also teased aboutm y eye and hair color... and yelled at... i cursed them and they made fun of me... they said i could tell the teachers or princepals all i want.. tehy would just get me back 10x worse... so id rather deal with this then.. wahtever they could do...... no one but my tortures no my truth..... no one has to no...


my truth.. is their secret.... their ruth are my secret..
my lies are my secret....

"be careful what you say..."
._. *silent*... blah.
© 2011 - 2024 Runokayno
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kittyblack13's avatar
Picture on top is amazing!! I love all the colors used!!~:heart: